Nilore Vagan

So, I’m thinking of the future… and normally, I don’t really deep contemplate such things because things happen that I would rather avoid, in my head, things that happen, in my head.

These things, run round and round, rarely making sense, but bringing all kinds of interesting thoughts that make me think, think, that make me want to sit and think about what’s happening, what’s going to happen, what’s going on around.

Now today, I was thinking, what would happen if I were to go on with my projected career? I’d have little time to spend with friends. My dear friends online, around on the networks. The people who I look forward to seeing every day, the people who I rely on for company. I’m not really a hermit. I like having friends, but I like having -these- friends. They’re the people I know. I don’t want to meet new people, new people are so odd; I’d rather stay with the people I know. But if I go on, if I move on, if I continue; I’ll be forced to spend less and less time around these people that I so much desire to be around. And I don’t want to leave them behind… I still want to be with them. But I cannot have both. It makes me sad, to think of this.

And at the same time, what of my parents? They’re getting old… their bodies are beginning to do weird old-people things. Who takes care of me when they die? I need to be able to take care of myself. Because when they get old, they’ll need someone to take care of them. We can’t take care of each other, it’s one way or the other; so I need to be able to take care of them, and I need to be able to take care of myself. Which means I need to go on with my career; which means I need to spend less time with my friends.

I wonder how my parents do it. Spending no time out with friends. Dad has work-mates, but Mom only has us kids and Dad- how do they do it? I hate to be alone… I hate to be by myself. Being alone scares me- it frightens me. Being alone is something I’d like to do without. I’d like to spend my time with friends and family, but I cannot do this all the time.

It makes me sad, thinking of moving on… thinking of going on, of drifting on through life, without my beloved friends. Without my beloved parents. it makes me sad to think of leaving them behind. I don’t want to. I don’t want to meet new people. It’s kind of a crutch for me, because I can’t stand to be without them. I need that emotional support – that mental backup – for myself. I need it… when I’m alone, I drive myself crazy.

I don’t leave the house alone.

Can I just stay like this? I want to stay like this forever… I want to be ‘me’ forever. But I’m forced to change with everybody else.

I don’t want to change.

I wish everything would stay the same. I wish I could securely know that I would wake up every morning to spend the day with my friends and family. I want that happy feeling of being with people I know to last forever.

But I know it won’t. That makes me sad…

Sad, sad, sad…

And yet, why do I smile? Who do I grin and chuckle?

I confuse myself…